Preferential Values and “Solving People”
The negative “shame, blame, and criticize” family atmosphere occurs in all sorts of households from all different backgrounds and cultures. The common theme I have noticed in the counseling setting is, there is at least one preferential value that is deemed “most valued” above all else with a high level of expected perfectionism and nearly zero tolerance for mistakes. If the preferential value standard is perceived to be achieved with excellence, then all is somewhat peaceful. However, if the value standard is not met to the level of perfectionism that is expected, then “solving the problem by attempting to solve somebody” is what can occur. In this dynamic, if there is something wrong, someone must be to blame. That leads to a “mistakes were made but not by me” situation, with denial, blame-shifting, and avoidance of responsibility.
Notice there is a distinct difference between: 1) being a human who makes normative human errors and corrections, while being respected and loved by their family versus 2) being criticized, shamed, blamed as somehow inherently flawed for not being perfect. What preferential values might resonate with your experiences?
Common Preferential Values
Common preferences I see in counseling (with perfectionism as the expectation) often include:
- Being neat and tidy, “squared away”, organized, minimalistic
- Body image values: fit, muscular, lean, slim, attractive, or even measured to uniform specification requirements, such as a ratio of neck size to waist size
- Materialistic values: having and obtaining items of a certain quality, brand name, or attractiveness, also to include a monetary standing of wealth of some value
- Academic excellence: scholarly preferences related to grades, education, degrees, awards, certifications, honors, and earned “alphabets” that come after a person’s name.
- Religious values: specific rules and expectations of legalistic nature, such as appearance, attendance for group gatherings, memorization of religious material, adherence to specific behavioral expectations, and socialization with others that hold the same values, to the exclusion of those that do not.
- Athletic excellence: choose a sport, excel at it, be the very best.
- Artistic excellence: Music, theater, art, dance, etc. Choose an art and excel at it.
- Success status: be in a successful something: career, relationship, group of friends, hobby, excel at something, to a high degree of perfection
- Insert your own…whatever value preference may have been the “code” for your family.
Are you by chance grieving the lack of unconditional positive regard from someone in your family? In what ways might you have been expected to excel in order to be accepted? Shame is an awful feeling. Or perhaps you have experience on the antagonistic side of this drama…are there amends to be made?
I invite you to bring your thoughts, feelings, and experiential narratives to the counseling room.
Dana