The Importance of Validation

One of the most crucial aspects of family life is the unspoken value about a person’s feelings. Were feelings respected and cared about in your family? Or, was the opposite true…that feelings were something to “suck up” and “deal with”?
Some of the values about feelings were about generational culture. Our older generations tended to push themselves beyond their comfort zone to survive. Therefore, feelings were not as important as hard work. However, that concept can be pushed too far. Validation of a person’s feelings is crucial to psychological safety, particularly at home, with family.

Feelings

The truth is, our feelings are not right or wrong, but what we do about them might be helpful or…not so much. A person’s feelings are their emotional “alarm system”. That alarm system picks up on interpersonal transactions, to evaluate for belonging and safety. Interactions between people reveal indications of being criticized and devalued or accepted as belonging. The “noticing our feelings” alarm system varies from person to person, and often along generational cultures.

Validate yourself

Sometimes, when a person’s feelings have been dismissed and devalued for so long, the end result is an inability to heed their own personal “alarm system”. For example, they agree to things they are not comfortable with, bypassing their alarm system, in exchange for some reward, such as approval of others.
Dismissing a person’s feelings as wrong or invalid is a very specific criticism. The unspoken message is something like, “Something is wrong with you, because even your feelings are wrong…therefore you are somehow “less than” everyone else.” It is very shame-inducing.
Invalidating another person’s feelings can be a subtle interaction, such as an eye roll. Younger generations sometimes call minute criticisms “throwing shade”, or “microaggressions”. Older generations typically have a higher threshold of tolerance about being invalidated. Imagine a military drill instructor style of yelling and criticizing. Many of us know the phrase, “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry for”. That is invalidation. Humans in general are not “too sensitive”. That is a phrase invented by aggressors in order to get away with meanness.

Self esteem and psychological safety

Invalidation, shame, psychological unsafety and family dysfunction…all of those lead to low self worth and low self esteem. Fortunately, studies show that all it takes is ONE safe person in a child’s life…only one, who cares about a child’s feelings, for a positive outcome. I think this is why Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood was so important. When psychological safety about a child’s feelings might be lacking at home, that’s when other people-helpers have such an important role. Bus drivers, cafeteria workers, after school care, and even on TV, with the message coming through from Mr. Rogers (now Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood) are so helpful.

Healing the wounds

What was your experience? Were you shamed for your feelings, and dismissed? Sometimes laying feelings aside is required. However, a consistent environment of invalidation is unhealthy. Shame does not feel good. Fear does not feel good. The opposite of love is not hate, it is fear. This is why counseling can be so incredibly therapeutic. We provide “unconditional positive regard” for others, and especially feelings. Validation, increased self-worth and self-esteem, those are good things.
I invite you to the counseling room to share your experiences.

Dana