High Standards of Excellence or Perfectionism?

What is the difference between having high standards of excellence and perfectionism? Having high standards is one thing, and striving for excellence is honorable and reflects integrity. However, the difference between healthy and dysfunctional lies in the element of perfectionism. When a preferential value includes perfectionistic expectations, with a narrow margin of error that is acceptable, that creates a nearly impossible situation. In that dynamic, a family member is shamed for imperfection, as if perfection is the norm and they are somehow flawed as a person. The intent in that situation is behavior modification through shame. If we explore that concept further, looking at the definition of shame, what we really end up with is psychological abuse. Thinking it through further, if shame is “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress”, and psychological abuse is “the use of words and non-physical actions to manipulate, hurt, weaken, or frighten a person mentally and emotionally”, then intentionally shaming someone is psychological abuse.

The extent that shame “devalues” the humanity of a person within the family unit can have lifelong effects. How much a family member feels unconditionally loved and accepted versus the level of shame that is created is key. In the context of the world, with all of its harsh realities, being part of a healthy family, with healthy expectations, at best offers safe harbor from the world. Family is ideally a shelter from the storm, not the storm itself. Family ideally is a context to be loved and accepted, “as is”.
What about your family experience? Were you expected to be perfect in order to be accepted? Are you inadvertently expecting someone in your family to be perfect, before you are kind to them? If so, consider this concept: Everyone is unique. Everyone is generally doing the best they can. It is ok to make mistakes, and ok to be a learner. Build one another up, encourage one another.

I invite you to bring your thoughts and feelings to the counseling room. Your feelings are always worth talking about in a safe space.

Dana